Who will be the next Pope?

The first Wednesday in February is always a huge event across the country, as it is national signing day. For those of you poor souls who don’t follow college sports. This is the first day that high school seniors can sign a letter of intent binding them to a university to enroll in said university and most likely participate in fall athletics. This has turned into a quasi-national holiday, and there is such a following that recruiting now has its own cottage industry to cover it. However some prized recruits take even more time to make their decisions, and to many the recruiting cycle may seem like a ubiquitous monster which devours entire planets for their energy.

Now, a new recruiting cycle is set to begin. This position, however, has higher aspirations. On Feb. 28th Pope Benedict XVI will step down, and a new Pope must be elected. Now, one cannot understate the importance of selecting the right person to be Pope. This person has, supposedly, the closest relationship with God on the planet. They are to be holier than holy. This person must lead the Catholic Church though the ever-changing and challenging issues facing the Church today. As with any position, there are several viable candidates for the position. We here at MTTC have gone through several likely candidates, ranking them as we would college football recruits*, and assessing the pros and cons of each.

*Note: College football recruiting is done on a system of stars. A 5 star (*****) prospect is viewed as most likely to be a top pick in the NFL draft. For example, if Tom Brady were a recruit right now, he’d be a 5 star. Conversely, a 2 star (**) is the lowest ranking given out. This ranking is usually reserved for prospects that are not scouted, or are not viewed as a BCS conference-level player. If the Great Khali were a prospect, he’d be a 2 star.

1. (Prefect, Canada)Cardinal Marc Ouellett (*****)

Pros: Speaks 6 languages fluently. Has done mission work on Africa. Insanely qualified. Excellent arm length, pad level.

Cons: Is Canadian. Has previously described the Papacy as a “crushing responsibility”. Would have to rewrite the bible to include “eh” after most sentences. Spells first name improperly (use a “k” for cryin out loud!).

Mass time: Sub 42 minutes. This is blazing speed, one of the best I’ve ever seen.

Upshot for the Church: Would signal the Church is willing to go in a Global direction and possibly evolve with the times.

Odds of becoming Pope: 5/2 (odds provided by Paddy Power, or the author when necessary)

2. (President of PCJP, Ghana) Cardinal Peter Kodwo Appiah Turkson (*****)

Pros: Great leadership personality. Shows great hands distributing communion. Well liked among Cardinals.

Cons: Africa and the Vatican haven’t historically gotten along. May focus on different ideological concerns than European Catholics. Would have to add yet another name and a number to his name, which is already really long.

Mass time: 44 minutes. Very solid based on his film.

Upshot for the Church: Would demonstrate progress in the Church. Would show a recognition of the global future of the Church, rather and the Europe-centric future.

Odds of becoming Pope: 4/1

3. (President of CftOC, Argentina) Cardinal Leonardo Sandri (****)

Pros: Well connected with the Eastern Orthodox Churches. Speaks 5 languages, is 69 years old,  has ideal frame for the position.

Cons: Might be too well connected. Last name is often confused with a synonym for the word “various”. Arm length a bit short.

Mass time: 52 minutes. Destined for one of the lines.

Upshot for the Church: Better relations with the Eastern Orthodox church. Would mark the first Latin born Pope.

Odds of becoming Pope: 5/1

4. (Archbishop of NY, USA) Cardinal Timothy Dolan (***)

Pros: Young. Great communicator among his peers. Great media exposure (See Time Magazine). Strong, accurate arm. Is American (U-S-A! U-S-A!)

Cons: Throws from an easily tipped ¾ arm slot. Has hitch in his delivery. Is a Brewers fan. Is an American going for a traditionally Italian position. Is a (relative) newcomer to the Church compared to other candidates. Not endorsed by Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

Mass time: 59 minutes. Ugh. Y U NO USE P.E.Ds (Preaching enhancing drugs) TIM?!?!

Upshot for the Church: Acknowledgment that ‘Murica is the leader of the free and religious world. Long, presumably stable, leadership from the Papacy. The opportunity to have the Pope at a Nascar race.

Odds of becoming Pope: 25/1

5. (Lord and Savior/backup to the backup QB, ALL THINGS SEEN AND UNSEEN) Tim Tebow **

Pros: Believed by many (especially those south of the Mason-Dixon) to actually be Jesus, God, or some form of deity.  Has improved the life of every single person he’s ever met for 5 minutes. Lost to Michigan in the Capital One Bowl. Has SEC speed.

Cons: Is not Catholic. Earth-bound father actively works against Catholicism. As a deity, would waste valuable time talking to himself.

Mass time: However long he wants, he’s TIM TEBOW! *Gator claps*

Upshot for the Church: Would show a consolidation of power within the Church by having God also fill the role of Pope. Would reach out to a new evangelical fanbase, as well as the Phillipino population.

Odds of becoming Pope: (6.02*10^23)/1

That’s all for now folks. As always, hurry hard when the skip says so.

^^This entire post is satirical in nature and not intended as libel toward anyone. It’s a joke, so lighten up Francis.

^^^This statement is not officially endorsed by MTTC, nor should it be taken seriously by anyone. Unless you actually liked Rocky V (WHICH DOES NOT EXIST!). Then we have issues.

This entry was posted in 2012 election, foreign policy, religion, same-sex marriage, shenanigans and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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