For over a month, the Republican party has been forced to confront the one thing they feared most from this election season: Failure.
Although somewhat taken out of context, comments by Mitch McConnel became a rallying cry for both parties. For the Dems, it signaled an opportunity to strike at the GOP for only working toward an agenda, and not for the people. For the GOP, it signaled a rallying cry against the POTUS and his policies. Ultimately, it was left up to the people to decide which direction they felt was best for the country. As you already know, the country decided President Obama was the candidate to lead the nation for the next four years.
While the President and both houses work to avoid the ways of Wile E. coyote, and the GOP is forced to confront a changing electorate, I decided to help President Obama by addressing the major initiatives he can take to boost the economy and ensure the security of America for years to come.
First, I believe small business and manufacturing are integral parts of the economy. By providing incentives to invent certain items, I believe we can get the country back on track while enhancing national security. Thus, I present the top 5 inventions Obama should incentivize to get the economy going.
Top 5 inventions:
- Flux Capacitor with Mr. Fusion
Seriously, who wouldn’t want to use garbage to find out extremely important information in time? We could save the library in Alexandria, watch aliens build the pyramids, and prevent Sliders from being cancelled. Does anyone seriously not want this to happen?
If we’re trying to be more civilized as we evolve as a nation, why not develop a weapon “for a more civilized age”? Not to mention these bad boys can cut through almost anything and come in customizable colors. How awesome would Swamp People be if they used lightsabers instead of rifles? Exactly.
3. The breakfast machine from Pee Wee’s Great Adventure
I don’t know about y’all, but I am not a morning person. At all. Having a sweet machine that makes me whatever breakfast food I want and has it ready when I wake up? These things would sell like hotcakes! (see what I did there?)
4. Proton Packs
When I’m sitting at home on a Friday night watching Ghost Adventures, I can’t help but think about how much more entertaining it would be if they had a way to contain the ghosts. You know, so instead of running around like idiots screaming they could bust out a proton pack, zap the ghost, and yell to the camera “DO YOU SEE?!,” Plus the packs can close inter-dimensional portals and toast marshmallows. I see no downside to this whatsoever.
5. Batwing from The Dark Knight Rises
For those of you who haven’t seen the Dark Knight Rises, I ask WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH YOU!?! This bad boy that debuted in the movie would not only greatly enhance national security (seriously, who would mess with a one of these?), but lead to a great boost in the economy. From manufacturing jobs to healthcare, the possibility for profit is enormous. Speaking of those concerned about profits…
MTTC has just received information about the most recent activity of Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan. According to sources, a filthy Mitt Romney has been spotted at an Ohio Safeway delivering a bizarre post-election campaign speech. Also, apparently not to be outdone, Paul Ryan was spotted yelling “GET A JOB!” to poor homeless people in Ohio. The source of this information should in no way be questioned, as everything that’s on the internet is always true.
Now, back to fixing America. Although incentivizing inventions would be a step in the right direction, I believe that there are 5 more actions that would take this country from good to great. Thus, I implore President Obama to take these 5 steps in the next 4 years:
Top 5 actions for success
- Hire the Avengers full time
I realize that these are “Earth’s mightiest heroes”, but isn’t the USA Earth’s mightiest country? Did you see what these guys did to the Srull and Loki? I personally think Bin Laden would have been found a long long time ago if Hulk could have HULK SMASHED his way around Pakistan while Thor and Iron Man patrolled the skies. This would be, by far, the best action a president could ever take to protect national security.
2. Turning John Cena heel
We get it WWE, Cena is your golden boy. He’s Tom Brady, Superman, and Tim Tebow wrapped into one hulking package. However, we’ve all grown tired of this shtick. Half the fans already boo him anyway. Cena won’t be around forever, it’s time to use him like Hogan at the end of his career to put young guys over with the crowd. What better way to do that than to turn heel?
3. Make Honey Boo Boo official ambassador to OGLETR-56b (planet farthest from earth)
You better redneckonize this needs to happen immediately, for the good of all humanity. I don’t think OGLETR-56b! is populated, so no one will have to tolerate this nonsense again.
4. Colonize Thyferra and start importing bacta
Bacta is some amazing stuff. It can pretty much heal any known disease, and helps tissue regenerate at an advanced rate. Although it reportedly tastes awful, this stuff would have an amazing impact on our soldiers. Although it can’t regenerate missing limbs, imagine the possibilities. Soldiers who suffer injuries would see greatly enhances recovery time. Athletes and regular Fox news viewers could all recover brain cells lost during the course of their day. As Thyferra is the galaxy’s main producer of Bacta, it makes sense to colonize and start shipping in the good stuff right away.
5. Banish Gary Bettman to the phantom zone.
Gary Betteman is the worst commissioner in all of sports. He is currently holding NHL fans and players hostage for no reason other than to make more money for the owners. These crimes are similar in nature to what got General Zod banished to the phantom zone by the Kryptonian council. President Obama, I trust you can do what’s best for the people of America and do the same.
As we work toward the fiscal cliff, I think it’s important to keep in mind what a real 69th post on this blog is all about; a little give and take. Neither party should view negotiations as an “I’m getting what I want or I will take my ball and go home” scenario. That’s not how this country was built. Really, it’s about compromise. Sure, both the GOP and the Democrats would love to get everything they want in the ongoing negotiations. I’d love to win the powerball and have Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s titantron song play whenever I walk into a room. Neither is likely to happen. However, with a little hard work and some good fortune, maybe Santa will bring me a 2 X 4 and an American flag that I can wave around on my porch shouting HoooooOOOOOOOooooooo! U-S-A! U-S-A! to get my neighborhood headed in the right direction. And maybe, just maybe, our political leaders can show a little empathy and work together to keep the country headed toward prosperity. That’s all for now folks.
As always, HURRY HARD and keep your broom on the ice*
*This signoff has been changed to a curling reference, as currently there’s no NHL. Plus, curling is awesome.
**This entire post is satirical in nature and not intended as libel toward anyone. It’s a joke, so lighten up Francis.
***This statement is not officially endorsed by MTTC, nor should it be taken seriously by anyone. Unless you actually liked Rocky V (WHICH DOES NOT EXIST!). Then we have issues.