Presidential Candidates as WWE Wrestlers

Given the lack of content on this blog now that the primary author has taken a job at a firm with only 1 desk in the entire office (they all have to share, I haven’t seen it but I imagine it to be quite sad) I thought I’d share my thoughts on the 2012 election. Not being one who follows politics much, I decided to relate each GOP candidate and President Obama to something I know, WWE wrestlers. Before you roll your eyes and close your firefox/safari/chrome browser (if you’re using IE still, you’ve got bigger issues than disliking pro wrestling), know that there are a lot more similarities than you’d expect. So, without further ado, a comparison as of right now.

First, the incumbent, President Barack Obama

Really, there’s only 1 wrestler who can logically be chosen: CM Punk

Both are Chicago guys (Obama likes the sox, Punk the cubs). Both are at the top of their respective fields. Both Punk and Obama are skilled orators and have delivered many memorable speeches. Both elicit a visceral love/hate response with the populace. Neither person is the typical person for their job: Obama is half black and has a Muslim sounding middle name, Punk is a straight edge (no drinking, drugs, or sex) who does not have the typical “body builder’ physique. Finally, both have promised change, with Punk’s being in the form of corporate structure and ice cream bars, Obama’s being well documented in other posts across the interwebs.

Onto the GOP candidates, first up, front runner Mitt Romney

This was a struggle between 2 guys, but ultimately, he’s Christian.

Both pitch themselves as outsiders, and have strong track records on both sides of their respective professions. Romney instituted near-universal healthcare while wearing magical mormon underwear, Christian has had tons of rivalries as both a heel (bad guy) and face (good guy). Both are charismatic and successful, but desperately want to be the “main event” (even though they probably won’t get there). Both pine for the top position (President and Champion), but will they get there?*

Herman Cain

Is quite obviously Mark Henry

Both guys worked their hind quarters off to get to where they are today, finally getting a crack at the top, and I’d guess both are big fans of pizza. While Henry is World Champion after toiling in obscurity for his entire career, Cain is surging up the polls. Both promised big changes if/when they reached the top, and Henry certainly has delivered with his “hall of pain”. Will Cain get the chance?

Rick Perry

Is basically the Miz

Both are viewed by some as delusional, and both are from states that I strongly dislike (Texas and Ohio, respectively). At one point in their career they were viewed as “the future”, but now seem to be fading. Perry is falling down the polls, the Miz got “fired” (in the pro wrestling sense) and is resorting to weird rap gimmicks to become relevant again. Both need a serious comeback, can they swing it?

Ron Paul

Is essentiall Jerry “The King” Lawler

These guys have been around forever. Both have done extremely well in their endeavors, but it’s time for both to join the other old folks in Florida for their retirement. Ron Paul has run for President approximately 600 times, Lawler has been in wrestling since before Jim Leyland was smoking cigarettes. They both represent the “old school”, Paul in the literal form of the constitution, Lawler in the form of WWF, but really are more annoying than threatening at this point.

Finally, Michelle Bachmann

Is Vickie Guerrero

I honestly can’t tell these two apart. Neither knows what is going on, and both just run around yelling “EXCUSE ME!?!?!” trying to get attention while the real candidates and wrestlers try to do their job for the people. Maybe if we stop looking at them they’ll just go away.

Until next time, keep your stick on the ice.

*Thanks to one Johan Sebastian Hall for this suggestion.

**This entire post is satirical in nature and not intended as libel toward anyone. It’s a joke, so lighten up Francis.

***This statement is not officially endorsed by MTTC, nor should it be taken seriously by anyone. Unless you actually liked Rocky V (WHICH DOES NOT EXIST!). Then we have issues.

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