First, I need to credit Shoes with the idea for this series of posts. Good work dude.
Ok, now on to the movie review. I’ve elected to review the movie Final Destination 5 because A) It just came out, and 2) because I’ve seen the trailer for it more times than Brett Favre has retired (and unretired). If you have lived in the USA for the last 5 years you know exactly what I’m talking about, he flips more than an IHOP line cook. If you haven’t seen it and are curious what this review is almost entirely based off of, here it is.
If you haven’t seen any of the first 4 films, the basic premise of the story is the people were supposed to die, but didn’t, and now death is coming to get them. I’m not quite sure why death didn’t get them the first time, but it’s possible this played a role. That or the people realized it’s not hard to survive on a bridge if you have Magneto.
Next, death comes. A woman trips and falls out of a building. What we don’t know is if she’s already gotten her one. Next, a dude is voluntarily getting acupuncture. If Hellraiser taught me anything, it’s to never trust anyone who looks like this. Ever. We also find out that a woman gets lasik and doesn’t turn out like Jessica Alba. Listen, if it’s not Jessica Alba I really don’t care about your eye surgery. Finally, a dude has to dodge a wrench. How can this kill you? HOW!?! In 10 minutes, Patches O’Houlihan can teach you to thwart the plodding inevitability of death.
After this, apparently stuff blows up and a screw ends up on a balance beam. I’ve stepped on stuff before. It hurts, but it’s 2011. If you can’t Obamacare your way to some sort of health care for a tetanus shot you probably shouldn’t be doing competitive gymnastics. Apparently the answer is to kill other people and take their lives. Really? Identity theft is not a joke, Jim. Millions of families suffer every year.
If you don’t want to know what happens, don’t read more.
Ok. I’m not watching this horrible movie. I’m going to guess what happens with remarkable accuracy. Some people die. Some people don’t. If they had any common sense, survival training, or mutant abilities, they could have gotten out of this. But hey, it’s probably better than Rocky V (which DOES NOT EXIST! YOU WILL NEVER CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE).
Alright, that wraps up the hastily done movie review of Final Destination 5. Until next time, keep your stick on the ice.
*This entire post is satirical in nature and not intended as libel toward anyone. It’s a joke, so lighten up Francis.
**This statement is not officially endorsed by MTTC, nor should it be taken seriously by anyone. Unless you actually liked Rocky V (WHICH DOES NOT EXIST!). Then we have issues.