A real American’s guide to the 4th of July

In honor of our nation’s independence, Suszek and I (Village Bear) have decided to allow an outside contributor to tell us his views on what it means to be a “real American.” So, without further delay, here’s my cousin Trailor Park Teddy.

Well thank ya for my intro music. It’s good to get some real opinions on this liberal hippie socialist site y’all got here. Matter of fact, I’m a big supporter of freedom, justice, and the American way. Don’t believe me? Check what I did to my Ma’s car. That’s right, these colors don’t ruuuuuun. Matter of fact, all those hippies out runnin all them races aren’t American, cuz real Americans don’t run from nothin. Only thing I run to is my neighbor’s house after his Redskins lose. Enough about that. Listen, today is the 4th of July, my favorite day of the year. For those of you uneducated folks, many years ago our ancestors fought to get this country free from the British, Communists, Mormons, and soccer (basically all things unAmerican) on the 4th of July. It was almost as great as when Junior won Daytona. Just in case you can’t get fired up enough for our holiday, just watch some real American videos.

Real Americans like me know how to throw a darn good 4th of July party. Let me tell you a few things you should stock up on for your holiday:

  • Meat (and a grill). Ain’t nothin’ more American than eatin a big ole steak. If you don’t eat meat you can get the hell out of my country.
  • Budweiser. The can is Old Glory. Enough said.
  • Fireworks. If you think there’s anything more American than blowin’ stuff up, get a haircut, smoke a pack of Marlboros and pray to Uncle Sam that I don’t come stick my steel toed boot [Censored, Teddy really likes explosions].
  • Ammo. Hey, now I don’t know if those kids are playin’ with sparklers or tryin’ to steal my 72″ plasma screen from inside the double wide. Either way, the constitution says I can carry as many AK-47s as a Militia would need, so better to be safe.

Well looks like you’ve got all you need. Just stop payin’ attention to anything this “Suszek” guy says. I listen to El Rushbo everyday and he pretty much says everything is goin to hell anyway. Anyway, I gotta go. I gotta figure out how to keep the government to keep their hands off with MY medicare! God Bless the US of A.

*This entire post is satirical in nature and any resemblance to anyone, fictional or nonfictional, is completely unintended and unfortunate (for them). It’s a joke, so lighten up Francis.

**This post is not officially endorsed by MTTC, nor should it be taken seriously by anyone. Except for the last line, if you’re into that sort of thing.

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