As the summer is gearing up and we take to our favorite ballparks to support our favorite baseball clubs, it’s important to keep in mind the impact that performance enhancing drugs can have on our ballpark experience. With allegations swirling around anyone who does anything cool at a ballpark, it’s hard to take them seriously. This is one, though, that impacts literally thousands of fans each game. I’m not talking about the players on the field per say, but rather those on the video board. I’m talking about the Dunkin’ Donuts Mascot Race.
For those of you who are not familiar with the race, I’ll give you a little background. I have personally seen it in 2 different stadiums (Detroit, Cleveland) in major league baseball, and have solid information that it’s in at least 2 more (Chicago, St. Louis). Essentially, it’s a race run between three characters. Each character is assigned a portion of the stadium, and if your character wins you get a free small coffee, muffin, or donut from Dunkin’ Donuts within 2 weeks of the game. For those of you who don’t know me, I take my free donuts very seriously. For a video example of the race, see below.
Now, you’ve got to be wondering what the heck I’m talking about. Hear me out. Examine the 3 characters in the race; Cuppy Coffee, Biggie Bagel, and Dashing Donut. If you examine the video above, it’s clear that 2 of the 3 are using illegal substances.
I’ll start with the obvious, Cuppy Coffee. Let me point out, HE HAS COFFEE RUNNING THROUGH HIS VEINS! While one can argue “Oh, well caffeine is a legal drug and blah blah blah” they don’t realize that players used coffee for years to get their “pick up” for the game. That’s right, it’s widely known that baseball players kept pots of coffee in the clubhouse laced with amphetamines to get going for a game. MLB banned amphetamines in 2006. Now I don’t have any hard evidence, but it’s not hard to connect the dots. Players have drugged coffee. Cuppy Coffee hangs out at ballparks. Coincidence? I think not.
Next up is Biggie Bagel. At first glance, there’s nothing suspect about a bagel with arms, legs and a charming smile. But alas, look closer and the truth shall set you free. There’s some sort of cream between the bagel slices. While many may assume this is the popular bagel topping cream cheese, looks can be deceiving. This is not the first time a mystery cream has appeared in a MLB ballpark, and some players are still under investigation for using it. Essentially, players have testified before a grand jury that “the cream” is a way to get steroids. Obviously, steroids help performance. It’s science. How did players come into possession of said cream? Well isn’t it interesting that Biggie Bagel hangs around ballparks and is constantly in possession of a mystery cream? Yeah, Biggie Bagel most definitely has ‘roid rage when he loses a race.
Logically then, there’s only one character to root for; Dashing Donut. Donut has had to overcome a lot in his life (the chocolate frosting may look and taste great, but there are still those who judge a donut by what’s on the outside and not the inside). Further, he’s made of soft, chewy, delicious dough. Although some people may see this as an advantage on the diamond (I see you David Wells), it’s not easy to run a 20 second race when you’re made of dough. Finally, if you need another reason to root for Dashing Donut, HE HAS SPRINKLES! Let me just say, if you don’t like sprinkles, you’re un-American and should get the hell out of my country**.
In closing, I’d just like to point out that if you’re going to root for anyone in the Dunkin’ Donuts race, pick Dashing Donut. He’s aerodynamic (he’s got a hole in the middle for good air-flow), he’s PED free, and HE HAS SPRINKLES. So next time you’re at a game, I sincerely hope you’ll join me in cheering at the top of your lungs “PICK IT UP DONUT!” It works every time.
Until next time, just remember: if you think Chewbacca lives on Endor, you’re an idiot.
*This entire post is satirical in nature and not intended as libel toward Dunkin’ Donuts, MLB, or anyone else. It’s a joke, so lighten up Francis.
**This statement is not officially endorsed by MTTC, nor should it be taken seriously by anyone. Unless you really don’t like sprinkles. Then we have issues.