Why the zombie apocalypse guide is not enough

On May 16th, 2011 the CDC finally realized the importance of preparing for a zombie apocalypse. It’s about time, as I’ve had a zombie contingency plan in place since the summer of 2007 (it’s currently on version 3.1, FYI). The CDC guide includes a basic description of zombies and where they came from. For an abridged version, see here.

Essentially, they recommend that one stock up on things like food, water, medications, tools and supplies, sanitation and hygiene materials, clothes and bedding, important documents (just in case you have to file taxes in a post apocalyptic world, gosh the IRS will get you anywhere), and first aid supplies. I’m assuming no one will have any problems with this because after all, we keep our bomb shelter fully stocked. Don’t believe me? Ask Dwight. Dwight?

$1200 is what I spent on my whole bomb shelter

Got it. Thanks. They then go into boring details about how the CDC will examine the disease, find out what is causing it…blah blah blah. What the CDC fails to realize is that zombie bites cause the disease (duh) and the best way to contain it is eliminate the zombie food source (that’d be all other living humans). Since I fully plan on being a living human who is not a zombie, I don’t really see that as a viable option. I’d take a few additional steps to ensure one’s safety.

First thing you’ll want to do is add a few items to your list. Namely, a boatload of shotgun shells and a sawed off shotgun. This is good for close range zombie attacks. Next, you’ll want a melee weapon for when you run out of shells. I’d suggest a baseball bat or samauri sword, but really anything will do. Heck, if you’re The Rock and can control an entire town with a 4 X 4 piece of cedar that’ll do just fine. If you can manage (and know how to operate) a rifle of any sort, I’d suggest that too. The longer you can keep zombies at a distance, they longer you’ll live. Further, I’d recommend a few basic manuals on how to do stuff. Personally, I’ve modeled my entire life after MacGyver so I’m not too concerned about such things. However, for people who can’t create nuclear explosives, cure cancer, and contact alien races with a swiss army knife, duct tape, a bar of chocolate, and twine it might be helpful. Although it may be morbid, you might want to have a plan in place with someone in the event that you are bitten by a zombie. This is a fate worse than death, so it’d be an act of mercy to finish you off before you turn into the living dead. Finally, I’d recommend your escape plan involve a large body of water and an uninhabited island.

What the CDC fails to mention is that zombies cannot swim or travel through water. This is a fact from several films. This is a distinct advantage for those of us who are prepared for the zombie attacks. So, in your escape plan, you should probably plan on living on an uninhabited island by yourself or with very few other people for an extended period of time. Essentially you’re trying to live long enough so that the zombies exhaust their food source (other people who aren’t as prepared as you) and die off. Once that happens, you’ll be free to reclaim the world as your own and start from scratch. It’ll be like reclaiming the country after Skynet is finally defeated.

So let me say that those of you who claim our tax dollars have been wasted by creating the Zombie Apocalypse Guide are really mistaken. I’d argue we didn’t use enough tax dollars in creating this. With a little work, some good luck, and a swiss army knife, you just might make it out alive. Now you might be asking yourself, “Self? What if zombies never overrun the earth and I look like a complete idiot!?!” My response would be “yeah, BUT WHAT IF THEY DO!?!?!”. I’d rather be safe than zombie.

Until next time, keep your stick on the ice.

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3 Responses to Why the zombie apocalypse guide is not enough

  1. Keri says:

    Ha! Love it. I also liked how you summoned Stoppa with “You might ask yourself, ‘Self’…”.

  2. Suszek says:

    I love the use of the word “summoned.” I picture Wojda (who wrote the above post) summoning the spirit of Stoppa:

  3. Keri says:

    I didn’t even realize that Wojda wrote that post. But that explains why there was no bear comment. Also, the Dwight reference.

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